- wake up and go swimming in my apartment
- yam hashbrowns and toast for breakfast
- an ample amount of reading and annotating for school
- a great game of soccer with swell friends
- a pretty amazing date with an awesome person involving river walks and revolving restaurants. i hope this works out *crosses fingers*
- reading about activist sociologists for homework while sipping two rivers beer
- sleep

No Toronto. It's too much money for anybody in my family.
I realized this when I calculated that I could buy:
- A season ticket for next year (10 games)
- A jersey
- A ton of awesome food and booze for a grey cup party in Winnipeg

and still come out $200 ahead in comparison to going to Toronto. Plus I wouldn't end up fucking up my school routine. And when I do that it takes me so long to get back on track, so it's never a good idea for me to leave in the middle of a term.

After the Bombers and Riders won, we all drank prairie fires to celebrate the upcoming Banjo Cup/Grey Banjo. It seemed way too appropriate.

Go bombers!

If the Bombers win today I will:
- Drink with jubilation
- Be living in Next Week territory
- Plan a trip to Toronto for the Grey Cup, taking greyhound, VIA, or Air Canada there and Adamn's Taurus on the way back.
- Buy a Terrence Edwards or Derek Armstrong jersey to wear on said trip
- (Maybe) bike to the airport tonight and cheer my fucking head off when the bombers arrive back in town
- Be giddy, and avoid doing my homework.

If the Bombers lose today I will:
- Drink with sorrow
- Be living in Next Year territory
- Stay in Winnipeg until December at least
- Mope, and avoid doing my homework.

Kickoff in 1 hour. Holy shit!

i finished my last exam on friday night. thank god. energy-wise, i finished school tuesday night, with my presentation and my last essay. i didn't have any energy left for my two exams, and i bombed one of them, and semi-bombed the other. it's a shame of sorts, especially the one i bombed, since i was averaging 97% in the class before the exam and now i'm probably down to a 70 or so, but there's nothing i can do. lesson learned: don't take 5 courses in the spring term.

it's also been a heavily emotional time, especially recently. my babba (grandma) has been in the hospital for about 9 weeks now, progressively getting worse. on wednesday night, i came home after studying to a message "call your dad -- urgent" and expected to hear that she had died. i called and found out the doctors said she had about two or three days left to live. i wanted to come out to vancouver immediately to see her, but my parents said to hold off and finish my exams, and that after my exams there'd be little point to coming since she'd probably be in a coma by then.

on saturday morning i got a call from my dad saying that babba was alert and wanted to see me, and that if i could, i should take the next flight out. a couple cancelled plans, and eight hours later i was in vancouver at the hospital. it's been up and down here, but yesterday she looked better than any of the days i've seen her. its been almost a week since we were told she has only two days to live. now we hear that she has "anywhere from two hours to two weeks". it's been a rough time but also a really special one visiting her. i've seen her for a couple hours a day each day since i got here.

some observations:
- people look really androgenous when they die of old age. my babba looks almost exactly like my zaida when he died, and yet in their vibrant lives, they looked nothing alike. gender is so socially constructed. at birth, and near death, gender, and sex fall out the window.
- the ward she is in is called GATU - geriatric assessment and treatment unit. whenever i walk in I get getchoo by weezer stuck in my head. it's pretty awesome.
- i had a really nice visit yesterday. my babba was slightly delusional and kept asking me to see what the people were selling down there on the sidewalk. so i walked out of the room and came back a few minutes later with a fictional setting of hot dog vendors (selling veggie dogs as well), ice cream for sale, mini donuts, a car insurance agency and a couple more things along the ocean in white rock. my babba suggested we start our own business and she proceeded to tell me that business is about getting on the phone and talking to the people. we decided we would start a used books vendor. later, she was concerned that she didn't know what was going on, and that we were breaking the law. i assured her that we weren't, and said that she could blame me if anything happened. then she became concerned that i would go to jail if she ratted me out. i spent the rest of my time there assuring her that everything was okay and that we weren't doing anything wrong.
- i walked most of the way to the airport on saturday. took a bus (my first of the summer... damnit!) to polo park so i could deposit rent money and then walked from polo park to the airport. it felt awesome to walk into the airport terminal. i love taking alternative transportation methods to substantial public places such as the airport or winnipeg stadium. i contemplated biking there as per andy's suggestion, but i called and they didn't have bike parking there, and plus, my "this bike is a pipe bomb" sticker likely would not have gone overwell in an airport setting.
- my sister and i are off to walk to the hospital now. i have 'the brothers karamazov' with me, and i'm attempting to knock off pages of the 1050 page book while i visit. my goal is to read the whole thing before august's end.

reading pedagogy of the oppressed (or at least chapter 3). thinking in terms of limit-situations, and limit-acts, and being a subject in the world. applying this theory to my anxiety, and overcoming it, a bit, at least temporarily. trying to get something done for thursday morning, to hand in my last overdue assignment, at which point i will be finished 3 of 5 courses. having a C in that course already, even if I get a 0 on the assignment. aiming for 14/30 on the assignment, which will give me a B in the course. i hope i get it. trying to figure out what to sign up for next year, debating between 3 potential degrees: an honours, a double honours, and a 4 year. likely aiming for the 4 year and then upgrading from there if i feel like it then. applying for practicums for next year at the canadian centre for policy alternatives and at the canadian foodgrains bank. maybe applying at one or two other places. getting permission to take a spanish course next year, but not permission to take a 4th year course in race and ethnic relations. maybe next year?

listening to crimpshrine in my head, and really believing that "there's no sanctuary, this will have to do". it's all in my life. i can't escape it. just live through it, and grow. and grow. and grow. trying to figure out if i have a permanent psychological disability, and actually hoping that what i have can be diagnosed as one. i have an anxiety disorder. if it's considered permanent i might qualify to goto school for free, if the bc government agrees. i hope it's considered permanent in that case. bursaries and grants > loans.

my watch broke last week in the rain. i destroyed two library books walking home in the rain on saturday. the pedagogy of the oppressed was oppressed by the downpour. probably 50-100 dollars down the drain. it's been a rough time. economically, emotionally, physically. but life isn't so bad. life isn't so bad. it's rough, and this is probably the roughest it's been in a long while. the most heightened. but it isn't so bad. and if i get through this, i'll be tougher and stronger than i'd imagined.

time to go home now. back tomorrow morning. one last day of work. one last push towards the finish line. i plan to put my alarm clock underneath my bed so i don't just rollover and shut it off like i did this morning. i hope to be back at school in about 8 hours. and to stay here for 14 hours tomorrow. a long day tomorrow, but i'll feel so good at the end if i can stay dedicated throughout the day. by thursday at noon: three courses finished. an A or an A+, a B or a B+ and hopefully another B. i'm in over my head but i'm working myself back up towards the surface. i'm not drowning. i'm fighting and i'm surviving. and that's what matters.

- the preston manor was broken into yesterday, and the thief made off with my laptop, discman and mp3 player as well as kayleigh's discman. i've had my own computer in some form or another since i was 12, and now i don't, nor do i have financial prospects to buy one again.
- i forgot to avoid touching my door, and so i probably ruined the fingerprints that may have come in handy in investigating.
- anxiety attacks resumed on friday and heightened when my usb key, with a lot of my work on it, got corrupted. i decided to quit doing my huge assignment and request a grade deferral in that course.
- my babba is in the hospital with potentially permanent mental and physical health issues. i don't think she'll ever be the same again.
- my cold is back as of today. i had a one day reprieve and now i'm coughing like crazy again. i've already taken antibiotics and codeine cough syrup for it. i don't think i'm meant to be healthy.

on the bright side
+ i had an awesome time this weekend hanging out with friends, new and old. three great nights of beer-fueled fun.
+ i have friends that watch hockey with me. and cousins is showing all the stanley cup final games. it fucking rules. plus ottawa won on saturday. andy and i are betting a veggie burger on the outcome. i jokingly suggested we bet one months rent, but i was very relieved that he said no to that. i have a suspicion that the number one way to ruin a friendship is betting rent money.
+ i got 90% on my take-home exam for qualitative research methods when i expected a 50 or a 60. even if i don't get the grade deferral on my huge project, i still pass the course with at least a D and potentially a C. this is rather relieving, although i still hope for the deferral.

i'm off to pawn shops and to put up posters now.

- Having anxiety attacks about my schoolwork this past weekend, with specifically terrible ones Monday afternoon and night. It took me a long time to calm down that day, and I tried many different ways before anything had an effect.
+ Doing exceptionally well the past couple of days. I finished three big assignments and two small ones in two days, and received two assignments back, both of which I got 100% on (although I should have got 95% and 90% respectively, I lucked out due to odd circumstances in each case).
- Procrastinating the past two and a half hours and now feeling anxious again, but not to the same extent.

+ Resuming therapy tommorow and getting a prescription for anti-anxiety meds.
- Being totally sketched out by the side effects and potential dependency issues/withdrawal effects of my prescribed medication. I think I am going to decline to take it.

+ I am going to leave the computer lab as soon as I finish typing this, and I'm going to finish one small assignment that I am late on before I leave school tonight.
- I still have 3 overdue labs, and each one I lose 5% for every day it's late. At least they are only worth 3.3% of my grade each so it's not a huge deal.

+ I asked for an extension on my major qualitative research proposal due to my anxiety attacks.
- I haven't received a response yet from the professor, and it's due on Monday without the extension.

+ Two of my courses are almost finished. I only have one exam left in Quantitative Research Methods, and then the 3 labs and proposal for Qualitative. It's still stressful, but I think the last 3 days were worse than the next week will be.
- I made a baby cry today at my practicum. I was playing with a toy that makes squeeky noises in front of her, and it scared her instead of amusing her.

+ Biking over the CP rail yard in my journey to my practicum.
- The north wind in said journey.

+ The person in one of my classes with the "How's my deriving? Call 1-800-PROVEIT" Math Club Hoodie
- That class is in the TV Lab and I hate being filmed in class. I love to contribute to dialogue but not when I can see my face on big tvs in the class and I have to hold a microphone.

+ Meeting awesome new people.
- Feeling like a dirty scumbag recently as I haven't had time to do laundry.

+ I am the president of Haiti in my Development Aid class' donor conference simulation next week. (This is more funny than positive).
- I might be taken out by a Canadian military supported coup.

+ Friday Night Lights was renewed for a 2nd season!
- Being obsessed with Friday Night Lights

+ The Ottawa Senators
- Being a hockey addict

+ When we signed the lease for The Preston Manor, the landlord asked me if I was a biker and if I had any hells angels patches on my hoodie. I replied that I had a patch that said "honesty".

+ The Spice Girls-esque vocals in "relief" by Anthem Red. Fucking amazing.

+ Finishing at least one of my overdue labs tonight? (So I hope.)

Off to the library!

It doesn't need to be perfect, it just needs to be finished.

No more procrastination!

Andy, Shelagh and I moved into our amazing new house in Wolseley a few days ago, and continuing (copying) the tradition of naming punk projects after intelligent right wing fucks (thanks Margaret Thrasher!) I think we're going to be calling it The Preston Manor.

Come by Saturday night to hang out. We're gonna have a 3rd floor dance party and maybe a backyard firepit in the pile of bricks that Andy assembled. I also might make vegan cocktail weenies, however there is always the possibility that I will be too lazy to follow through on this idea.

202 Evanson St (at Preston).
774-0052

Saturday night!

Also, send letters or long distance phone calls our way if you live outside of Southern Manitoba!

Love
Kevin


------------

In a few minutes I am going to goto the library to research taxidermy for an hour for a sociology project. Weird, isn't it? We have to practice writing field notes for an hour, an the idea is to pick a topic and see where our thoughts take us. So I figured that taxidermy is as good a topic as any.

Winnipeg has been pretty amazing, save for a couple of days of feeling bummed out. I am so stoked on our house though. It felt so amazing to sign a one year lease. Longevity and stability!

I got to see 3 of the best frontpersons in punk play right after each other on Monday night when seeing Search and Destroy, Defect Defect, and Under Pressure. Amazing stage presence by all 3, and in totally different ways. Awesome!

I also decided that I absolutely love Blakes singing of "I've got it!" in Oyster by Jawbreaker. It's so hopefully self-affirming and yet kind of depressing at the same time. Or something like that. I had better adjectives when I first thought of this but they have escaped me.

º Yesterday I bought pipa fria (a green coconut with a hole cut into it and a straw jammed in) from a local juice stand in Alajuela. It had a really interesting taste. I've never tried raw coconut before, and I was interesting drinking juice right from the middle of one. I was really intrigued by how hard the shell of the coconut was, so upon finishing I tried to crack it against the outside corner wall of the building I was leaning against. To my dismay, instead of cracking the coconut I ended up chipping off a piece of the cement wall. An interesting commentary on the strength of coconuts versus the strength of old Costa Rican cement.

º In the past two days I've travelled to all 4 provinces in the Central Valley and all 4 provincial capitals. It sounds more impressive than it is though, given that all 4 cities would fit into an area the size of the GVRD.

º Yesterday I bought a hard wood mortar and pestle from an crafts market in San Josè. After passing 3 stands that sold them, and debating whether or not to buy one, I decided to go for it, and then immediately regretted it when realizing that I'm contributing to deforestation in Costa Rica. I'm stoked on having the mortar and pestle, which completes the awesome coffee making set I've compiled in the past few days, but I feel like an asshole for contributing to the unsustainable pillaging of natural resources in this beautiful country.

º I remembered today a funny conversation I had in my first week here, on my first night at Finca La Flor de Paraiso. I was talking with my middle aged roommate about the Quakers in Costa Rica and mentioned that my school is associated with the Mennonite religion. This led to a discussion of the differences between the Quakers and the Mennonites, in which we heartily agreed that in spite of their differences a Quaker and a Mennonite would never come to fisticuffs.

º Yesterday I was perusing the U of W General Calendar and noticed that there is now an Honours degree in IDS. I then spent hours planning my schedule for the next two years in order to receive this degree. Unfortunately I have to take around 15 credit hours on top of the normal 120, because a few of the courses I've taken thus far don't count for anything. But, on the bright side, I get to take a few interesting theory courses, including Liberals, Marxists and Anarchists, and Violence, Hegemony and the Rise of Mass Politics. I changed my spring schedule as well in order to match my new degree requirements, and I have a feeling it's going to be a bit rough.

My courses this spring will be:
- Poverty Focused Development
- An Analysis of Development Aid Policies
- Quantitative Research Methods
- Qualitative Research Methods
- Special Topics: Social Change

I imagine that the Research Methods courses and Analysis of Development Aid Policies are going to be pretty dry. May, in particular, will be an interesting month. Both my research methods courses are only a month long, so after a month of relative hell it'll be over. Social Change also is a short course, and it ends at the end of June. I realized yesterday that the course takes place on (I think) Sunday afternoons, in a church in Osborne, which will be interesting. My July is shaping up to be really easy in comparison, as I'll have 9 credit hours finished and only 2 night courses left.

I'm so stoked for school!

º In about 8 hours I'll be back in the land of toilets that have the power to flush toilet paper.